This is the first in a two-part series on reconciliation. I’ve realized that now I have much more to say about reconciliation than I had at the time that I wrote my book on finding freedom through forgiving. So, this series is intended to act as a companion with the information I’ve already shared.
Over the past few months, I've been going through the process of reconciliation with a dear friend who betrayed me.
Reconciliation is not always an extensive and painful process. Most of the time, a simple apology met with forgiveness is all that's required. However, for deeper wounds (like betrayal or worse) a more lengthy and painful version of reconciliation may be required.
To start, perhaps we should make sure we have a common understanding of what reconciliation is. In the context of conflict, my dictionary says reconciliation means:
- to bring into agreement or harmony
- to restore [two parties] to communion [with each other] [1]
PREREQUISITES FOR RECONCILIATION
Of course, reconciliation isn't possible with someone who is completely unrepentant. If we attempt this, we risk being torn apart by an unrepentant wrongdoer. We have a responsibility to ourselves to safeguard our own bodies and souls as precious, irreplaceable jewels that God has given into our care.
That being said, partial reconciliation can sometimes happen, even with someone who is partially repentant. For instance, I was able to achieve a level of reconciliation with one of the abusers from my childhood, because she was repentant for the abuse she understood. She had no understanding of the emotional abuse she gave or received over her life, but she did understand the physical aspect. Because she repented of what she understood, I was able to continue in a relatively healthy relationship with her (which would include strong boundaries to protect myself from significant future emotional abuse) even though she hadn't repented of the emotional side.
Healing from a deep wound is like stripping away the layers of an onion. When we forgive the person who has wronged us, we heal a little bit. But after we’ve healed from one layer, another dimension of the wound may become more obvious. It was always there, but perhaps it was hidden by the first layer. [2]
Before attempting reconciliation, the wounded must be willing to forgive the wounding party. Without forgiveness, healthy reconciliation is impossible. Any attempt will only result in toxicity as bitterness grows in the heart of the wounded. Resentment eventually works itself out in destructive actions towards the guilty party. In time, it damages the hurt person too. We cannot fake forgiveness. It has to be genuine. A lack of forgiveness will always be exposed over the long term, usually in devastating ways.
Today I would like to share with you a few of the things that I've learned over the past few months in my own reconciliation process.
COMMITMENT
Reconciliation requires a level of commitment to healing the relationship and valuing the other person. This isn't a fluffy task.
Such a commitment has to be present on both sides, both for the wounding person as well as the wounded. Although the wounded party may initially have been innocent, over the course of the reconciliation process that person may make mistakes or sin against the originally wounding party. Both wounding and wounded will have to commit to forgiving each other. They are only human. The process won't be perfect.
As part of their commitment to each other, both the wounding person and the wounded will need to recognize and affirm the concept of the onion in the healing process. As healing takes place, other dimensions of the wound may come to light and need to be dealt with by both parties. This does not mean that the wounded person is constantly bringing up the same issue. [3] It does mean that sometimes different dimensions of the same problem will require their own efforts at healing.
THE STANCE OF THE WOUNDED
Love causes us to forgive, and forgiveness causes us to love. [4] This doesn't always happen right away, but in time our hearts catch up to our decisions to forgive. In time, the wounded (because she has forgiven) should begin to feel somewhat protective of the wounding person.
For instance, when the wounded relates what's happened to a third party, this is a statement of fact, but there is no shame, blame, or guilt attached to the story. It should be the instinct of the wounded to protect the wounding person from being judged by the third party. This doesn't mean the wounded covers up what's been done, but it does mean the wounded operates in a place of grace and mercy— and that grace is enough to cover over the shame, blame, and guilt, so that it's no longer weaponized. The wounded person can sometimes actively help the wounding person to come to a place of self forgiveness founded on the forgiveness they have received from God and the wounded. [5]
UNDERSTANDING WRONGDOING
The reconciliation process can be complex. Though the wounding person may have recognized some of the wrongdoing, they may not understand all of it immediately. Likewise, the wounded may not recognize the inner layers of the onion, and will have to commit to forgiving each layer as it's revealed.
Often, the wounded will recognize more of the wrongdoing than the wounding party.
Next time, we’ll continue the conversation by discussing specific actions we can take to facilitate reconciliation. We’ll also discuss how God approaches the reconciliation process with us, and what we can learn from this.
NOTES
[1] “Reconcile.” Dictionary.com app.
[2] The difficulty of these feelings can be compounded if we’re still in relationship with someone who is unrepentant and may still be wronging us. If this is the case, I would recommend that you read the book, Boundaries (by Cloud and Townsend), and (especially in the case of abuse) also seek out the wise counsel of a licensed therapist (e.g., psychologist, psychotherapist, etc.) to help you navigate this often-perilous type of situation.
[3] The wounded person will have to make a commitment to not harp on the same dimension of an issue after forgiveness has been given. However, if there is a different dimension that needs to be addressed, the wounded should feel free to prayerfully bring it up at the appropriate time.
[4] We find this principle in Luke 7:47.
[5] A hurt person isn’t always able to engage in this way, and such an action should not be forced. An introduction to someone else who can aid in self-forgiveness may be in order.
