I’ve realized that now I have much more to say about reconciliation than I had at the time that I wrote my book, Captive Set Free: How to Find Freedom Through Forgiving. So, this series is intended to act as a companion with the information I’ve already shared.


Over the past few months, I've been going through the process of reconciliation with a dear friend who betrayed me.

Reconciliation is not always an extensive and painful process. Most of the time, a simple apology met with forgiveness is all that's required. However, for deeper wounds (like betrayal or worse) a more lengthy and painful version of reconciliation may be required.

To start, perhaps we should make sure we have a common understanding of what reconciliation is. In the context of conflict, my dictionary says reconciliation means:

  • to bring into agreement or harmony
  • to restore [two parties] to communion [with each other] [1]


PREREQUISITES FOR RECONCILIATION

Of course, reconciliation isn't possible with someone who is completely unrepentant. If we attempt this, we risk being torn apart by an unrepentant wrongdoer. We have a responsibility to ourselves to safeguard our own bodies and souls as precious, irreplaceable jewels that God has given into our care.

That being said, partial reconciliation can sometimes happen, even with someone who is partially repentant. For instance, I was able to achieve a level of reconciliation with one of the abusers from my childhood, because she was repentant for the abuse she understood. She had no understanding of the emotional abuse she gave or received over her life, but she did understand the physical aspect. Because she repented of what she understood, I was able to continue in a relatively healthy relationship with her (which would include strong boundaries to protect myself from significant future emotional abuse) even though she hadn't repented of the emotional side.

Healing from a deep wound is like stripping away the layers of an onion. When we forgive the person who has wronged us, we heal a little bit. But after we’ve healed from one layer, another dimension of the wound may become more obvious. It was always there, but perhaps it was hidden by the first layer. [2]

Before attempting reconciliation, the wounded must be willing to forgive the wounding party. Without forgiveness, healthy reconciliation is impossible. Any attempt will only result in toxicity as bitterness grows in the heart of the wounded. Resentment eventually works itself out in destructive actions towards the guilty party. In time, it damages the hurt person too. We cannot fake forgiveness. It has to be genuine. A lack of forgiveness will always be exposed over the long term, usually in devastating ways.

Today I would like to share with you a few of the things that I've learned over the past few months in my own reconciliation process.


COMMITMENT

Reconciliation requires a level of commitment to healing the relationship and valuing the other person. This isn't a fluffy task.

Such a commitment has to be present on both sides, both for the wounding person as well as the wounded. Although the wounded party may initially have been innocent, over the course of the reconciliation process that person may make mistakes or sin against the originally wounding party. Both wounding and wounded will have to commit to forgiving each other. They are only human. The process won't be perfect.

As part of their commitment to each other, both the wounding person and the wounded will need to recognize and affirm the concept of the onion in the healing process. As healing takes place, other dimensions of the wound may come to light and need to be dealt with by both parties. This does not mean that the wounded person is constantly bringing up the same issue. [3] It does mean that sometimes different dimensions of the same problem will require their own efforts at healing.


THE STANCE OF THE WOUNDED

Love causes us to forgive, and forgiveness causes us to love. [4] This doesn't always happen right away, but in time our hearts catch up to our decisions to forgive. In time, the wounded (because she has forgiven) should begin to feel somewhat protective of the wounding person. 

For instance, when the wounded relates what's happened to a third party, this is a statement of fact, but there is no shame, blame, or guilt attached to the story. It should be the instinct of the wounded to protect the wounding person from being judged by the third party. This doesn't mean the wounded covers up what's been done, but it does mean the wounded operates in a place of grace and mercy— and that grace is enough to cover over the shame, blame, and guilt, so that it's no longer weaponized. The wounded person can sometimes actively help the wounding person to come to a place of self forgiveness founded on the forgiveness they have received from God and the wounded. [5]


UNDERSTANDING WRONGDOING

The reconciliation process can be complex. Though the wounding person may have recognized some of the wrongdoing, they may not understand all of it immediately. Likewise, the wounded may not recognize the inner layers of the onion, and will have to commit to forgiving each layer as it's revealed. 

Often, the wounded will recognize more of the wrongdoing than the wounding party.


HOLDING "IN TRUST"

It will likely be necessary for the wounded person to hold back some information on all of the wounding that has taken place. This is to safeguard the well-being of the wounding person. If the wounding person is exposed to everything they have done all at once, this may crush them. Instead, the wounded holds these things "in trust" for the wounding person [6], prayerfully dispensing them in dribs and drabs as the wounding person is able to handle them.

Each time, it's necessary to wait between revelations so that the wounding person can experience forgiveness and increased peace and security in the relationship for a while before the next stage.

This holding "in trust" is a way of us "bearing one another's burdens" [7] in Christ, so that all are preserved and restored in the kingdom of God. Indiscriminately laying a crushing burden on our brothers' backs is not the way of love. Yes, we should long for the truth, but the truth spoken without love can be devastating and, if done knowingly, cruel.

"Holding in trust" is not the same as "keeping a record of wrongs" [5]. The things we hold back are not meant to foster bitterness; they are simply held back until the proper time so that our brother is not crushed.

In 1 Corinthians 13:5, the Bible commands us not to keep score on other people's wrongdoing. 

The difference between keeping in trust and keeping score really boils down to the reason why we are doing it. 

Keeping in trust is meant to preserve the wounding party. It does not mean that we will keep these things to ourselves indefinitely. Eventually, all of the wrongdoing will be released into the care of the wrongdoer. Keeping in trust means that we are forgiving everything that we have not yet told the wrongdoer, and are not holding these things against them. However, in order for reconciliation to take place, the wrongdoer will eventually have to recognize what they have done and repent of it. 

By contrast, keeping a record of wrongs means that the wrongdoing is stored up in the heart of the wounded person indefinitely. There is no plan to release these things. Instead, record-keeping is a source of bitterness and anger. This is sometimes a way of the wounded person making themself feel superior to the wounding party.


WHAT GOD DOES

God, too, takes a dribs-and-drabs approach to reconciliation. It's a far more painful method than I originally recognized. It is painful because, if the wounding party doesn't recognize the wrong, they are likely to continue it and may even presumptively assume that everything is now okay in the relationship when there is still much to resolve.

When God takes this approach, the reconciliation process doesn't just require a few months or years. It lasts a human lifetime. We are so sinful that we would be crushed by the weight our sin if God were not so patient with us, and willing to undergo such massive pain for our sakes. 

The pain God experienced on the cross was only the beginning of the forgiveness process. His pain continues through each of our lives by means of the reconciliation process. Because sin is so rampant in our hearts, this process is not completed until we reach our perfected state in heaven.

Just as human reconciliation requires a high level of commitment to the relationship, so does our reconciliation with God. Becoming a Christian is, in essence, a commitment to working towards reconciliation with our Heavenly Father. To be successful, we have to be willing to work towards understanding our sins across different dimensions, and repenting of them through each deeper iteration of understanding. In this way, the gaping wounds in our relationship with God can be healed as we peel back the layers of the onion.


BIBLICAL ILLUMINATION

A passage in 2 Corinthians talks about reconciliation in a way that helps illuminate more of this topic.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to Himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation.

(2 Corinthians 5:17-19, ESV)

Verse 17 is a key that unlocks the rest of this passage:

  • "old things have passed away"
  • "new things have come"
  • "new creature"

(NASB wording)


We don't strive after the things of the past. We don't waste time looking back. We allow God to re-create us. We recognize that the old things have been lost, but we have a sacred choice available to us now: who do we want to be in the future?

As we communicate, recognize sin, repent, forgive, re-orient, and grow, we are reconciled, not only to each other but to God.

By the time the last item in trust is released to the wrongdoer, there is no heavy burden for them to carry anymore, because it has evaporated on the winds of forgiveness and healing.

So, too, verse 21 becomes deeply meaningful:

For our sake He made Him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God.

(2 Corinthians 5:21, ESV)

As Jesus bore the burden of our sins so that we might be reconciled to God, so we are called to bear our brothers' burdens with them, so they will not be crushed but restored.


NOTES

[1] “Reconcile.” Dictionary.com app.

[2] The difficulty of these feelings can be compounded if we’re still in relationship with someone who is unrepentant and may still be wronging us. If this is the case, I would recommend that you read the book, Boundaries (by Cloud and Townsend), and (especially in the case of abuse) also seek out the wise counsel of a licensed therapist (e.g., psychologist, psychotherapist, etc.) to help you navigate this often-perilous type of situation.

[3] The wounded person will have to make a commitment to not harp on the same dimension of an issue after forgiveness has been given. However, if there is a different dimension that needs to be addressed, the wounded should feel free to prayerfully bring it up at the appropriate time.

[4] We find this principle in Luke 7:47.

[5] A hurt person isn’t always able to engage in this way, and such an action should not be forced. An introduction to someone else who can aid in self-forgiveness may be in order.

[6] Without telling the wounding person how much more there may be, or even that there is more at the moment. We don't want to foster anxiety in the wounding person's heart.

[7] See Galatians 6:2.